Something I like to do a lot is look through my old diary entries. I’ve been keeping a diary since 2006, and I’ve written in it consistently since 2010 (minus a couple of years where I had a lot going on). I’m the most sentimental person out there, and if I could I would hold on to every moment of my life and never let it go. Which, I guess, is why I write it all down. Today is a bad day for me, because I associate it with some bad memories. So I am taking today, and my birthday (May 20th, which just so happens to be almost six months from today), and creating a little snapshot of what the past decade has been like for me, through my diary entries. Let’s start by going back to 2009.
(I don’t write every single day, so for many of the days I’ve just had to pick the closest date to those days that I actually have written on).
20th May 2009 (Age 10)
It’s my birthday today! Ten years old, I can’t beleive it! As soon as I woke up my sisters and we all went into mummy’s bedroom. my presents were:
Harry potter book
then I went to school. We are having an exam week at school. When I went in everybody sang happy birthday to me. Then they asked me what I had for my birthday. This was annoying. It’s a shame that [Friend] isn’t here today. It’s her birthday too. I’ve also found that [Girl] in reception is five today. For the rest of the day it was a normal day but when I got home there was a big surprise. Mummy and Daddy didn’t let me into the kitchen. So I sat at the dining table. Mummy and daddy came in singing happy birthday with a chocolate cake. After we had all had some we discoed with my disco ball! It was very late when we finally got to bed.
Wednesday 2nd December 09 (Age 10)
The countdown to Christmas has started! I love december. The calenders have been put up, we’ve made an advent chrans and the hall has a christmas tree up. Form 6 (us) got to decorate it! Soon it won’t only be decorations in the hall! We are missing some lessons for choir practice and because form 6 do the games room for the Christmas bizaare. I am painting a tree for pin the star on the Christmas tree. It’s like pin the tail on the donkey. Also, I can’t wait until the Christmas holidays!
Wednesday 12th May 2010 (About to turn 11)
I felt ill again today. Marta was off school.
We had a SATs exam in the morning of course. I’ll be glad when they are over.
I sat alone at break time.
At lunchtime I barely ate anything again. Mr Dent tried to make me smile in tennis.
After lunch we revised. Then it was choir. I didn’t actually sing, because my throat was too sore, but I mouthed the words.
I wonder when I’ll start feeling well enough to write longer days.
Sunday 14th November 2010 (Age 11)
We have plans today. My dad’s going to help Grandpa move into his new home. While he’s away we’re going Christmas shopping for him.
Well. I’m in the car, so if my writing goes a bit wonky, you’ll know why. Amy’s started this conversation about Lady Gaga’s real name. Oops. My writing is going really wonky.
We are taking Amy to her tutorial lesson. I’m glad I don’t need them any more, because I’m in high school now.
I have to go on a walk now, but I’ll be back soon.
Okay. I’m back now.
Marta tripped over. I was sympathetic until she started wailing that it was all my fault. Luckily my mum was on my side about that.
Friday 22nd April 2011 (About to turn 12, on a holiday in Cyprus)
I almost had as much fun today as I did yesterday. We were supposed to go on a long boat trip today, but yesterday it had rained loads, so I was worried that it would be cancelled. Luckily it wasn’t. On the boat there were all these blue things like beds side by side.
I lay down and read most of the time, and when the boat stopped so that we could swim I didn’t because a) it is 4 metres deep and b) It is absolutely freezing. This boy in our group kept jumping in and splashing us all.
Near the end the boat began rocking side to side, and everyone except me went indoors. I stayed out and read until it began to rain, when I went in too.
Friday 11th November 2011 (Age 12 – at this time my chronic fatigue was the worst it’s ever been)
Amy’s [11th] birthday today. I was off school, and I gave £5 to my dad to buy her some chocolates. for her birthday Amy got:
– A Kindle
– Some books
– Lots of chocolate
– A Beano Annual
– Slippers you can heat up
– A diary and some coloured pens
– A blue giant teddy
One of Amy’s presents was a chocolate orange, only it wasn’t orange flavoured. It was a white chocolate smasher. I am really upset because I asked my dad for it. He bought it for me and my mum, thinking it was for Amy, put it away for her birthday.
Actually, I’m probably just upset because I’m ill and it takes anything to set me off. I wasn’t even looking forwards to eating it that much, but for some reason I am still extremely upset.
I am so BORED. Amy and Marta are being boring, and don’t want to play anything. I think I’ll go for a swing before it get really dark. Actually, it already is.
23rd June 2012 (Just turned 13)
Okay – quick recap on these last few months: I got better and I am going into school full time next week! Yay! Oh and I’m now thirteen.
Today is Marta’s birthday party – her [10th] birthday was yesterday. I got her a pretty coloured bag, two of those jewelled pens in a jewelled box, a red and silver bracelet, a pencil case she admired in a shopping centre, and Amy and I both got her this dress she really wanted.
Wednesday 14th November 2012 (Age 13)
Lily told me something about [Friend] that I didn’t know.
When we were in year 7, [Friend] started up this game with me, Lily and a couple of others. The aim of the game was to play tricks on each other.
Anyway, we did play the game. Four of us put a dead wasp in one person’s locker, and Lily played a couple on [Friend] – she drew a picture of a spider and pretended to give her hot chocolate, which actually had tinfoil and quavers in it.
Well it turns out that [Friend] hated Lily for this, even though she likes her now. It made me feel really bad because I didn’t actually play tricks on her, but I didn’t stop Lily.
We’re friends with her now, anyway.
Wednesday 29th May 2013 (Just turned 14)
It’s weird how quickly time passes sometimes. So much has happened since my last entry.
Firstly, the end of year exams are over!! Finally, I can relax a little. I don’t think I did very well in them – so far I know I got 75% in German, and 56% in Physics and Chemistry. I did well in RS – 18/20 for the first paper and 15/20 for the second but I don’t remember what percentage I got.
Secondly, we are getting ANOTHER kitten! He’s the son of [Aunt’s] cat, Luna. She’s lovely. His name is Ollie, and he’s the darkest, sweetest and cuddliest of the litter. I fell in love with him as soon as I picked him up!
Lastly, I am now fourteen! I got some really great presents for my birthday, including some Sims 3 pc games, a cool board game from Amy called Khet, these tablets from Marta that make sour food taste sweet and a jelly bean machine. For my party we camped in the garden, and we went to a circus with [Amy’s friend] for a special treat. It was quite embarrassing, because my parents had told the circus people it was my birthday, and I had to go into the ring. The only other person who went up was four! To save myself from complete embarassment, I tried to be funny by not saying where I lived. It was a bit pathetic, really, but the audience seemed to find it amusing.
Tuesday 12th November 2013 (Age 14)
Yesterday was Amy’s birthday. Last weekend to celebrate, we went to [Chinese restaurant], which we hadn’t been to in probably years. then on sunday we went rock climbing at Craggy Islands. She got an iPad, would you believe it? Safe to say she was happy.
It was also a sad day yesterday. Last week [Friend] had not been in school, and I found out yesterday that her brother had passed away. I think he had heart problems.
Well, when I heard I felt so terrible that I wanted to hug her, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to make things awkward for her.
She went home at breaktime.
Monday 19th May 2014 (About to turn 15)
It’s my birthday tomorrow!
Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a really long time. Sapphire came round at 11:30. We spent the day playing on the trampoline, playing WiiU and Minecraft. Sapphire gave me a load of her pets on Chicken Smoothie because she’s quitting. She also showed me a website called Howrse.
We had a barbeque lunch at about 3pm, and then we toasted marshmallows. It was really difficult putting up the gazebo so Grandpa could sit in the shade!
We also looked at some videos of when we were little, and Sapphire showed me how to do a trampoline move – seat drop, half turn and another seat drop. I used this app called Split Pic to take a photo of Sapphire as twins.
I had such a good time. It felt just like old times when Sapphire and I were little kids at [Primary School] who played together every break time.
I also organised for Lily and Sapphire to sleep over the night before my party. on my birthday weekend. Then the next day we can go to Laser Quest together.
I’m running out of space now, so I’ll have to find a new diary. I guess it will be appropriate starting it on my birthday. This diary has lasted almost three years!!!
Anyway, bye to this diary, hello to the new one! 🙂
Saturday 6th December 2014 (Age 15)
I completely forgot it was St Nicholas day today. I spent the morning knitting a scarf for Marta while listening to revision videos and feeling sorry for myself. My mock GCSEs start on Monday, and despite heaps of revision, I feel completely unprepared.
After lunch (and looking in my St Nicholas boot!) I got my mum to test me on Biology, but she fell asleep in the middle of it!
It is so depressing not being able to celebrate Christmas until my mocks finish on the 12th. Then I also have my German oral test on the 18th! We had a choice of doing it before or after Christmas, and only 3 of us chose before. There is no way I’m revising German over the Christmas holidays.
(There are no entries for a while because GCSEs kept me pretty busy. During A Levels I also hardly wrote any – here’s the few that I did write.)
Monday 11th January 2016 (Age 16)
I’ve decided to start writing again. Yay! I can’t be bothered to fill in everything that happened in the last year, but I did my GCSEs. I got 6 A*’s, 3 As and a B. Doing AS levels now – Bio, Chem, Maths and RS.
Today was a pretty good day. I got up early to exercise (that probably won’t last). Maths was easy, RS was a bit dull – we’re doing Descartes presentation and today’s group was a group of 5 – they weren’t very organised.
At break I chatted to Clover – Lily was off sick and Athena went to a different room so it was just us. Then a double free with [Friend] – I revised for the Chemistry test tomorrow. Lunch was boring, but at least the pasta tasted good today.
In Biology, it turned out that our disease ‘quiz’ was a 30-question long test. I got 30 out of 40, which I was pretty happy with.
I was too tired to revise tonight, but I practised piano and cello. Then Marta and I played board games. We’re going to have spaghetti carbonara for dinner. And that’s about it.
So yeah. Life’s good.
Tuesday 19th July 2016 (Age 17)
Well, so far the holidays haven’t been particularly thrilling. Also I’m sick.
I woke up at around 5am this morning because I went to sleep without the cover on (it’s really hot at the moment.) Then I fell asleep again until 10:30. I spent the morning doing futurelearn courses and practising for my Grade 5 piano exam (Saturday). While I was brushing Henry [my dog], the window cleaners turned up. That was awkward because I didn’t really know what to do with them, and I couldn’t find the key to the garage. Then Lily messaged me asking if I wanted to go to Hyde Park, so I guess that’s the rest of my day sorted.
So I went to Hyde Park with Lily and it was so hot that I basically melted: but I found a five leaf clover! So clearly my luck is still growing. I have finally surpassed four leaf clovers.
Thursday 13th April 2017 (Age 17)
I’m not even going to try to update this diary on the past year. So let’s just start from today.
I got up past 10am even though it gives me shoulder pain because I am TOO PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED to get myself up earlier. After a couple of games of Hearts (which has become a thing recently) it was down to revision (yay)
After lunch I practised piano for about an hour because I’m meant to have learnt my pieces by the end of the holiday. So far I’ve learnt about 5 bars. Oops.
Anyway, now I’m meant to be revising Chemistry. It’s so boring. I’ve constantly been using headache patches for the last few days.
And finally, we return to regular writing, starting from here:
Monday 12th February 2018 (Age 18)
I’m a little bit annoyed with myself for pretty much completely giving up on diary keeping but I mean. Exams. School. I’ve been busy.
I woke up at 10 this morning. It’s got to the point where I literally cannot get up before 10 unless I have a very important reason.
Quick catch up of the last few months:
– I did my A Levels last year (A*A*A)
– I spent a summer ignoring Lily and then hesitantly making up with her
– I joined [University] and dropped out after a month.
– I got a job as a tutor
– I joined the Open University
– I basically became a much happier person and significantly less of an idiot.
It’s a bit difficult to explain that last point. It happened after the worst few days of my life, where I was fighting with Iris, and deeply, deeply miserable. I hated myself so much. So I did something I’d never really done before. I called my friends and I told them how I was feeling. And they told me that they loved me and I felt a little better.
It seems like kind of an insignificant thing to do, but somehow it helped me reevaluate my entire self. I had all these things which I could only describe as ‘mental blocks’ and now I’ve got rid of most of them. I started letting my friends get closer without feeling uncomfortable; I messaged Eve after two years of not talking to her, because what’s the worst that could happen?; I forgave myself for waking up too late or for missing a day of work; I decided fuck this feeling of regret for not doing more with music – I can do as much as I want with music. So now I’m joining an orchestra, I’ve started learning guitar and I’ve applied for A Level music. Also I’ve gained half a stone.
Basically I’ve turned my life around. and sometimes I worry that this is just a good spell, and something will eventually make me lapse back into all of my problems. But I don’t think it will.
I spent the morning reading A Darker Shade of Magic (by V.E Schwab – Eve’s favourite author) and then I got distracted by my old diarys and started sending snippets to Clover, Hera, and Athena. And then I started writing in this one. Now I guess I’m going to get dressed, get some uni work done and go to my guitar lesson.
Okay so I went to my guitar lesson and that was pretty good. My teacher thinks I’ll definitely be ready for Grade 1 this term. When I got home I did some work for my Essential Maths 1 module, and then finished A Darker Shade of Magic (which was very, very good).
I had my first online tutorial at 8. It was pretty dull because the first unit is ridiculously easy. I’m pretty sure I’ve gone over some of it with [Student], the 8 year old who I teach Maths to.
Late in the evening (after watching a few episodes of How to Get Away With Murder) I decided to try and organise my room more. I took everything off my desk and got rid of everything that ‘doesn’t bring me joy.’ Then I wrote out a list of stuff I want to do to make my room nicer. I think I want to paint my walls white. And a cork board. I definitely want a cork board.
Anyway, I got sidetracked rearranging my bookshelf, and now it’s 1:30am and I should probably sleep.
Sunday 17th June 2018 (Age 19)
Today was a very good day. I got up at 7 so that we’d have time to finish off the party food that we started making yesterday. Amy and Marta decorated the cake and did a very good job of it: it was a cute ladybird, but the face was humanoid and wrinkled and very, very horrifying. At around 10, my dad dropped us off at [Town], where we found Elm. I haven’t seen her in 3 entire weeks, so it was really good to see her again. We went and sat in Costa for a bit while we waited for the others.
After a few minutes, we went outside so that we could spot people coming. Hera and Poppy were the first, and Hera brought Zelda cakes for Clover. We went into the ceramic shop, and everyone else began showing up one by one. I briefly introduced everyone to Elm, and then we chose our items and sat down. Clover gave me an embroidered canvas to hang on my wall, which was beautiful. On the wrapping paper, she had written some of the many nicknames I now seem to go by, including [Redacted].
Elm and I chose to paint mugs, because it seemed like the easiest option. Marta had a teapot. For some reason, her colour choices were dark green and brown, but she made it work. I can’t paint for shit, so I just painted rainbow stripes all around it, and wrote GAY on the bottom. I suggested to Elm that she should make hers My Immortal inspired, so she painted the base blue like limpid tears, then at the top she put black, with purple streaks running down, and red at the bottom.
Iris didn’t turn up until 1, because her mum wasn’t letting her come, but then her dad finally said that she could. She told me that she’d been crying all morning, and then started crying again in front of everyone. Seeing her cry always really upsets me, so I almost started crying too. I’m also an awkward shit when I need to comfort people, so I just hugged her a lot.
Once everyone’s pots were finished, we headed back to my house. My mum and dad had made loads of food, which everyone was happy about, and they also very much appreciated the cake. After we’d eaten, we all went and sat in the summer house. At one point we all ended up squashed on the bottom bunk together, in what we described as a meat pile. Everyone got along, and they all liked Elm, which was really, really nice.
It was a good day today.
Wednesday 26th September 2018 (Age 19)
I got up a bit late this morning, so I had a slight rush to get to my 10am guitar lesson. The lesson was a bit painful.
My throat hurts a lot. I spent the weekend in [Lily’s University] with Lily, and I think I might have got Freshers’ flu from her. Delightful. I felt really ill yesterday, and I had to get through two hours of Skype music lessons, and then a trip to London for Marta’s photography homework on ‘British culture.’
It’s rather annoying, because I’m very busy all week. Today I had my guitar lesson, and then Hera’s coming round soon, and we’re going to a cafe with Clover and Athena. Tomorrow I have a cello lesson, then Eve’s coming round, then a Skype lesson, then tutoring. And then on Friday I’m going to [Elm’s College] to visit Elm. Which I still I haven’t booked. I need a rest.
Unfortunately I can’t have a rest, because now I need to go and make some lunch. Hera will probably want some too.
Saturday 18th May 2019 (About to turn 20)
I’ve been super busy and productive today, and as a result I have major leg pain. In the morning I went swimming with Marta and Sapphire. Then I had my piano lesson, which I was very late for because my mum got held up in a meeting. Then I made lunch for myself and the sisters, started a fire, and wrote an essay for music. And THEN I walked Henry in the park with Amy, Marta and [Cousin], and did some maths revision when I got home.
After all that, I attempted to make arancini for dinner, but unfortunately halfway through the leg pain got too bad and I also started feeling faint, so I had to lie down. Amy, Marta and [Cousin] finished it for me and it was tasty. I’ve been feeling faint a lot recently, which is really annoying because I’ve been eating really well, so I don’t know why. Anyway. Now I’m going to go watch The Society for the second time.
Friday 15th November 2019 (Age 20)
I’ve managed to get through the 13th and 14th November without feeling depressed once. If that isn’t character development, I don’t know what is. For the first time in 3 years, I’m not miserable. I’m actually enjoying the cold and the dark.
Today I have quite a lot to do. I want to get all my music homework done. I also need to get more of my composition done, before my lesson this afternoon. And I need to do some more maths. Topic B2 of Pure Mathematics is technically meant to be finished today, but I’ve only just started it.
I got some work done today, but not enough. Sapphire’s coming round tomorrow and she’s agreed that we can study tomorrow, so at least I should get some more done tomorrow. I have to go and tutor [Student] now.
Tuesday 19th May 2020 (About to turn 21)
My last day of being 20. What an uneventful year I’ve had.
Today’s been really nice. The lockdown rules have been lifted a little, so you can now meet with one person outside of your household. So we met Sapphire in the park for a picnic. We made a LOT of food: falafel, quiche, spinach rolls, tabbouleh, cupcakes, shortbread and potato salad. I didn’t even get to try everything because I filled up so fast. Then Amy, Elina, and my parents went home and I nipped back to go to the loo before returning to the park and playing Smart Ass with Marta and Sapphire. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve brought my rucksack out with me, and that paired with the hot weather gave me major flashbacks to last summer. I spent a lot of that summer traipsing around England (and Scotland even) with my backpack, and I had such a good time. I’m a bit sad that I probably won’t be able to do that this year. Oh well.
I’ve also received some things in the post! I’m going to wait till tomorrow to open them, but it makes me feel really happy that people are actually thinking about my birthday this year. Usually it gets forgotten in the midst of exams. I have a letter from Hera, a Whittard’s box from Lily (!!!) and a letter from someone else who I can’t quite figure out from the handwriting.
I’ve also received my coin books that I ordered. I’m going to put my coins in now, before my lesson with [Student].
And that brings us up to today. Saturday the fourteenth of November, 2020. Or rather the fifteenth, since it’s now 1:30am. This probably won’t be the most interesting post to a lot of people, since it’s all my memories. But that’s kind of this whole blog, to be honest. I never make these posts thinking about the fact that somebody else might actually read them.
It’s strange to think about how much can change in a decade. In ten years’ time, my life now will be just as strange and distant to me as my life as a ten year old feels now. And I’m excited. And I’m scared. I don’t know what the future holds.
But I know that I’ll get through it.